FeelingS

I Am Scared

Can be said the worst or the best day of my college day… Doesn’t make a difference actually… It seems I am all alone after all… :-(agn…doesn’t make a difference…)

I thought I had sm1 amazing in my life for the first time and I noe so because of the same pain has aroused in my heart after 3 years. I was at one of the famous places in Manipal called Big Boss for the 2nd tim in my life and the whole place was oozing with smoke, drinks and MANU mob. And as usual I still don’t feel the urge to drink…is something wrong with me or is it just the whole world topsy-turvy for me OR is it just me realising the world. The world as I know it has ended and this world is getting difficult for me to live in, specially the one where mind stops working and the heart start overdosing me with the all the feelings I can’t handle alone. So my friends had booze there and we had a couple of songs which we can groove on. I also met Aastha there and asked if she got high & the reply was so expected.

Then we (8+3) marched towards t-spirit and the unexpected happened…i was at front and hearing the disturbance I turned & she was man-handled by three boys in a hey inappropriate manner…i first thought that this is something normal but the next thought that GUIs should not happen to a girl whatsoever freaked me out to limits. How could let herself be manhandled and be cool with it…has the society norms changed or its me being conventional old types. FYI bill was ~1500

Neways, finally we made it to the bar and one of her friend suddenly wants a smoke…lol I was stunned and then I consoled myself…after that Mr. AISEC got into bar fight with the localites just because some other guy tried to kiss some other foreigner and she went over and complained and this poor guy got into their hands for talking to a girl he knew…lol…the whole situation was fun.also, there was a guy who held his hand for over 5minutes so that he does not fled the scene of crime. Thank god for Raj knowing the bar-attender and the matter was sorted out in a civilized way…yay…

Suddenly I realised that the person I was there was herself missing and she went to Cafe 18 and apparently she had a ton of nonsense cocktails. In the meanwhile we were all out of the bar and sitting outside that place (me for the first time, le me making progress :-P). Then I shot a video where two girl friends of hers kissed 3 boys back to back as if was no big deal for them #SHOCK1.

Then she comes and there is a guy(keeps saying balls) who wants to drop her to the hostel but she reconfirms him that she is not leaving. #SHOCK2 can’t be explained. She also boasts that she kissed a lot of men in the club. #SHOCK3

Then we all decided to crash to a place behind Sindhi mess and every1 was cool with that.So we decided to walk all the way through 17block road from back all the way to FC. In the meanwhile I was able to share a lot feeling that were creating a turmoil of emotions with her best friend. Her best friend explained that she is very stubborn and need heck loads of space. She also talked about her ex and related partially to her little sister.I had made up my mind to end the XYZ before the walk but I can give my heart a little more time after understanding her nature and the no restrictions from her family. We reached there and finally relaxed for a while. Then the crazy idea to fit a 0watt bulb in the room and dance. Okay. She dance with Ani and then asked me. Trust me when i say i would have danced in the every corner of that room even if i had the slightest spark left in me and by that i don’t mean energy drain. I had dibs on the blood supply in my veins. I was in the flattened position sitting on the chair and my legs stretching out on the bed, so she came and sat over me legs (quiet lite weight 🙂 ) and tried to make me feel alright but the damage was done long back and its difficult for me to take so much in for a simple minded boy whose choices has always been limited. Finally ever1 was having gr8 fun and suddenly girls started popping out of the room. Then there is this guy who wants us to go back to room because girls wanted to sleep. Perfectly fine but girls could have told that straight to us…so I smelled something is fishy and tried to stay over…finally only the person who stayed in that room was staying from boys gang and he made the three girls sleep on his bed and the room was locked from inside so then i was reassured and was okay with leaving but i still had to finish this article so i was sitting on a broken chair with the other guy sleeping right in front of me.

She came once and lay right next to him and had her mobile flash on my face and said that she had already known the repurcussions of this unplanned evening. Then somehow she managed to get him out of there. Then she hugged me and kissed me on my forehead And went straight to her room. Totally new development on my feelings department. It can be described as “awesome numb” 🙂

Finally he asked me to leave as he was not okay with it and he did it with utter decency and politeness without making me feel bad. By then i was completely reassured so i decided to leave but as usual my leg got numb after sitting in a particular position for long so it was difficult for me to tie my shoe lace. but finally I walked away leaving everyone in safe hands. And now it been three hours since I actually started writing and #RightNow (2:41) listening to DDLJ songs for 5th time in a row and am back to my normal senses and out of depression but the heart is still paining…still if just I wouldn’t have had to see this mode of her life 😥 . Makes me feel what is so special between us that she doesn’t have with other people already. Le…me totally confused. Just a feeling…but I will put it out there for me and no1 else…am I being played…if so yeah its really gonna make me unlovable forever. Y the hell is my heart crying out so loud 😥 .

Good night diary … U have been a real good listener and the one who provides me insight on all the confusions I have…hoping that my heart condition resolves after a nice sleep. 🙂 Gn

SELF NOTIFICATION: MICROSOFT written test next Friday…

Next Morning!!!

Mummy called, did breakfast with Mantri and studying DAA. Ma, y did U make this world look so good that I can’t handle this part of the society. I thought being bad gets U girls…yes…And that was the reason I wanted to ne bad but now after the prev night i hv understood that i van never be bad…seems i have to bare with my nature for the whole life…doesn’t make me feel bad but just reconfirms that “I am not boyfriend material” which i had been joking about for a long time. And yeah i am still no one to barge into someone else’s life and become a significant part of their life just lie that so Mr Shantanu Chandra…back off…

There are people who do stuff and then there are those who don’t do anything. I know I am not the second kind but then I still have to figure what is it that I am interested in.

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